by Joel Silverberg
Staff Reporter

            Over the years, many of the world’s most controversial issues have been debated by history’s brightest minds. However, one ongoing argument that has yet to be answered is the most important question: who wins in an all out war, vampires or zombies? Many experts have been head-scratching over this topic for years, but as a specialist in studying the habitats, behaviors, and mannerisms of these two creatures, I have finally come to the conclusion of who would come out on top in the war of the millennium.
            Each race has their strengths and weaknesses, but the overall advantage goes to the zombies. Despite being stiff-limbed, zombies use teamwork to act in groups and always keep on coming. Personally, I’ve never seen vampires travel in pairs unless they convert a mortal as one of their own, but with only zombies (who don’t bleed) to attach, there wouldn’t be any way to expand the vampire army. Zombies could eliminate a vampire and later turn the already-lost soul into one of their own.
            While yes, vampires are quick and agile, they are only effective during the night, and can be forced to flee at the sight of a cross, or the scent of garlic. Even without a highly developed sense of smell, one wouldn’t even need much garlic to scare off a vampire. While the bloodsucking fiends have a resilient circulatory system, they are vulnerable in that area in the form of a cross, which opens another weakness that could give the zombies an edge. The zombies’ circulatory system is virtually indestructible.
            Zombies can be destroyed by beheading or burning as a reliable source for taking them out, but they are active during both, the night and day. What’s to stop the zombies from exposing the vampires to the sunlight during the day while they are asleep? The sun is the vampires’ worst environmental adversary, and even with the zombies’ nearsighted eyes, they would still be able to sniff out their opponents, especially during the day.
            In a melee style of combat, the result could fare very evenly. Both sides have excellent strength, the vampires being strong overall and the zombies having a vice-like grip, but due to the persistent advancement that the zombies typically use to corner their opponents, the undead find another advantage here as well.
            The vampires’ primary weapon is rendered useless in this situation. Trying to suck the blood out of a creature that doesn’t bleed serves no purpose, and simply biting the neck of a zombie only provides an opportunity for the zombies.
            At the end of this war, it’s not much of a competition to see who wins. The tactical (and practical) factors that play into the siege point toward the zombies. Their ability to last the whole day, never fatigue, and match up in strength with the vampires shows they can use the day and the sun to their advantage, giving them a sun-baked victory.


   

Zombies        vs.     Vampires

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by ssssmooollzzz
Staff Reporter

            Throughout time there have been many things that man has argued about, the fundamental nature of reality, what is truth, who is the prettiest woman in the world, more taste, less filling. But there is one argument which has lasted longer and has had more bitter support on each side than any other. Who would win in a fight, vampires or zombies?
            While debate on this issue has often led to bloodshed, it is one that deserves to be explored within these hallowed pages. As an expert on all things occult and a member of the Cape Coral Zombie Repulsion Squad, I feel that it is my duty, both as a man and a scholar to educate the masses on this question.
            First, it is important for our argument that we understand the nature of both creatures.
            The vampires, or vampyre, that we will be discussing are not of the Twilight variety. They don’t sparkle in the sunlight and they don’t have romantic dalliances with mere mortals. True vampyre see humanity as only one thing, lunch. They are intelligent, diabolical masters of the arcane arts and are nigh invulnerable. Their only weaknesses are sunlight, running water, garlic, and stakes.
            Zombies on the other hand are mindless slow creatures who make up for their lack of versatility with shear numbers. They are only vulnerable to fire and decapitation.
            While zombies have less weakness they also have less strengths. According to the Necronomicon, “Zombies can be repulsed by simple protection from evil spells and can be destroyed by beheading them, destroying the totality of their physical body or an application of the nectar of life which is found on the tree of…”
            The name of the tree was lost to time and constant sacrifices whose innocent blood blurs numerous pages within the book. It is believed by most experts that the tree in question is the legendary Tree of Knowledge found in the Garden of Eden whose location is known only to the oldest Vampyre, the founders of all evil in the world, namely Cain and Lilith.
            With that knowledge in hand, it should be a simple matter for the intelligent masters of the night to arm themselves with flamethrowers, which they’re invulnerable to, magic apples, and swords which they can use to fend off the Zombie hoards.
            Also, how are the Zombies to kill the Vampyre? They’re not good with weapons, and they’re not intelligent enough to destroy the buildings that the Vampyre hide in during the daytime.
            In the end, the zombie’s superior numbers do not equate with a victory against their hated enemies. While my colleague Joel Silverberg’s argument for the zombie’s victory is sound and while I respect him as a scholar of the occult, in this I think that his judgment has become impaired by his hatred of Edward Cullen, who shouldn’t even count in this argument. Vampires don’t sparkle.   

 

 

 

        
   
     
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